Body Image

Hey, it's Valentine's Day. Let's talk love - learning to love yourself, that is. 

source

The one thing that not many people talk about who lose weight / gain weight / acheive a weight goal is what happens after you've acheived it, if you maintain, if you lose more, gain more, and so on. Aside from the dictation from the weighing scales, the mirror and your reflection play an important part, and none moreso than what you think you see in the mirror - you're own personal opinion on your body and how you feel once you've lost weight / gained weight.

At the moment I'm ensconsed in a battle in my head. I'm almost 2 stones heavier than I was when I was at my lightest weight (8lbs below my Weight Watchers goal weight, I was 10st 2lbs), I'm 1 dress size bigger and my body shape is totally different due to the exercise and types of food I eat now.

I'm healthy, I'm active, my body works perfectly, I have no worries at all - unless you count that little voice (I call her Skinny me) in my head who calls me fat once a month. And yes, I shouldn't listen, but then she starts making me look closer at myself in the mirror and see things which, in reality, are not there.

This is not a good place to be and some days I feel like I'm going completely crazy. As it is, I want lose a little weight (and my nurse always likes me to be a little lighter) but my 'new' goal is higher than it was back in 2005. It's 11 stones. Skinny me is not happy about this.

Laura published a great article on her blog last month about finding your own happy weight. She went into some very personal details (brave lady!) about her weight gain in order to get her health back on track after going through a period of weight loss which was very similar to my own. I've read this article a good few times as it's resonating with me a great deal right now. Despite Skinny me barking away in my head, I don't want to weigh 10st 2lbs ever again. I was too thin, too tired and not fit at all.

Skinny Me in summer 2006  - that dress was a UK10

I have to think about where I am and where I want to be in a different way this time around. What else have a gained alongside this almost 2 stones? I've learned how to cook better, I've learned how to run, I've learned how to lift weights, I've learned how to control my appetite, I've learned not to binge eat, I've learned about nutrition and most of all, I've learned what my body is supposed to look like.

source

When I was at my lightest I didn't do half of the things that I've listed above, but I was skinny. I'd have some days where I'd eat tiny amounts of food and then spend my weekend afternoons in bed because I felt tired, but I was skinny.  It's like nothing else mattered because I was skinny. My brain is clearly a very dangerous place at times.

Despite knowing this (and writing it on here) every now and then I wish I was still skinny. But I'd like to be skinny with all the better nutrition and health, strength and speed, knowledge and wisdom that I have now.

But then, isn't that what I am now? Skinny but with all this on top of it? I wouldn't be *here* without going *there*, would I? This is Real me. Another blogger, Jo (whose blog I love to read as she is so inspiring)  has written a post on this theme over recent weeks too. Again, this one is EXACTLY where I'm coming from and it's so nice to know that there is someone else out there who gets it. 

This is why I'm sticking on my Weight Watchers programme. It allows Real me to eat as I like to eat (which is balanced; healthy but with treats on the side), have enough fuel to exercise as much as I like to and not feel like I'm constantly on a battle with Skinny me to get back to where I was. It just allows me to feel like I'm doing what's right for Real me.

Because the Real me, in her size 12 dress, isn't that bad to look at after all, regardless of what the numbers on the scales may say.

Real Me in February 2013